De noget mere irreverente...
Keep that in mind, will'ya ?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
" BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PESTER ME ALL THE TIME !"
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All that bl..dy hightech...
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said,
"Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "
Jesus saves ."
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Strange bedfellows ?
Jesus walks into a hotel, goes up to the counter. He puts three nails on the counter and says,
"Can you put me up for the night."
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Burning desire ? A man died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after his arrival, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said "Why hello, welcome to Hell! You're just in time for dinner, please follow me."
The man followed the Devil rather nervously, wondering what was going to happen, and was surprized to find a table piled high with delicious food waiting for him. Assuming this was his last good meal before hell started, he dug in.
When he was finished the Devil said,
"Now allow me to show you to your quarters." The man sighed and reluctantly followed the Devil down a long hallway. He could hear terrible blood-curdling screams coming from behind a door at the end of the hall.
"Well," he thought, "this is it."
But to his surprize the Devil turned left at the the door, and led him down another hallway and outside towards a magnificent beachhouse with a Porsche in front. When they got there the Devil handed the befuddeled man the keys to house and car, wished him a nice stay and turned to leave. The man couldn't take it any longer. He said to the Devil
"Excuse me, but I don't understand. This is hell, and I'm being treated like a king! What was behind the door we went past on the way here? Is that what's really in store for me?"
The Devil smiled and said,
"Why no, the room we went by is reserved for the Catholics. They seem to want it that way ."
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Last Words we absolutely, positively didn't hear !
Jesus was nailed up on the cross. The crowds were all around him. From on the cross Jesus cries out
"John..."
John, hearing this, rushes up to his Lord. Before he can get close a Centurion grabs him and cuts off his right foot and throws
him back in the crowd.
Again Jesus cries out " John... "
John again fights his way throughout the crowd. The Centurion grabs him and cuts off his left foot and throws him back.
Jesus cries out yet again " John... "
John drags himself through the crowd with his hands only to meet the same Centurion who cuts of his right hand and throws him
back into the crowd.
" John... "
John manages to crawl through the crowd pulling himself along the ground by his left and manages to sneak past the Centurion
this time. He drags himself over to the cross and looks up at his Master and says
"I am here my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus says " John... I can see your house from up here ."
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Seek and thou shall find ... whatever !
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,
" I know, I know! He's in our bathroom !!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for words.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said,
"Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
" My God ... are you still in there? !"
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A glass ( or a choir boy ) too many ??
The synod was meeting and the waitress stopped at a group of ministers and offered sherry.
The first minister accepted a glass but the second declared,
"No thank you, I would rather commit adultery than let the demon drink pass my lips",
at which point the first minister put his glass back on the tray and said,
"Oh, I didn't know there was a choice....... "
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Wanna bet on it ? A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy
the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: DAMN !!!!!
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Come again... ??? A Catholic Bishop was on his way to the Vatican when he saw a crowd of people.
"Driver, " he asked "take me to see what is happening over in that crowd of people.
So he went over and saw Jesus Christ walking towards the Vatican.
"Oh, my goodness!! That's Jesus Christ! This must be the Second Coming! Strange, I somehow thought the Second Coming would be louder."
The bishop then ecstatically asks the driver to take him to the Vatican. Through the gates the bishop went and ran up the stairs to where the Pope's chambers were. At the doors of the chambers stood a small Polish man of which the bishop demanded,
"Let me see the Pope! Jesus is coming."
"He's busy, but how does 4 pm sound?" said the Polish man.
"This is the Second Coming! Jesus is on his way up the steps of the Vatican! I must inform the Pope!"
In went the bishop and saw the Pope seated peacefully looking out the window.
"Vat are you doing?" asked the Pope. "Can't you see I'm resting?"
"Yes, your excellency, but Jesus is coming! He's on his way up the steps right now!"
"Strange, somehow I thought it would be louder" said the Pope.
Calmly, the Pope then moved over to his desk, took out a piece of paper and began to write.
"Your excellency, Jesus is coming" continued the bishop.
The Pope then said, " I know, look busy ."
---------------------- oOo ------------------------------ Better play it safe.... A priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, " Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody !"
---------------------- oOo ------------------------------ Seakers of truth ... eat your heart out !? One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.
The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk said yes.
The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said no.
The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again said no.
The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said, " Are you sure he fell in here ?"
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Hmmm ... maybe we can lose him in a desert somewhere ... ... !
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."
George W. asked him why he was so irritable and the man replied,
" The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert !"
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... and don't forget to wash begin thy ears....
Father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, " Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby ?"
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Ooohhh, Okay... !?
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said,
“one: This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
Two: She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
Three: She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
Four: She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed”
Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest, as they say, is history.
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Get Thee Behind Me ! One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit,
so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
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An Act of God
A minister, whose wife was expecting a baby, went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
They passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children,
this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting about this.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The minister gets up to the pulpit and speaks
"Having children is an act of GOD!"
A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information: snowing and raining are acts of GOD, but we wear rubbers!"
(and this, Your Honor, was where the webmaster was read out of meeting !!!!!)
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Bible Challenge A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
---------------------- oOo ------------------------------ Three Wise Women
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as a gift.
(webmaster comment: unrealistic story ! It would currently be impossible to find three wise people in the Middle East !)
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... and the neurons started firing ... a frightening sight I might add !
The vikar dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said.
"You must have had a hard sunday today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. " all our hymn books and bibles had been stolen and all of us had to do our own thinking ."
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An argument for or against solipsism ?
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to The Pearly Gates" orientation tour.
They first came to a huge mosque-like building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His allness.
The next building they visited was like the first, only here were all the Buddhists.
Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then the Hindus.
Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the Christian souls were worshiping.
"Please be very quiet looking in on the Christians," St. Peter told the tour group.
"Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, " they think they're the only ones up here ."
Den dyriske alvor ???
The Pastor of a large Church was teaching Sunday School one morning to all of the young children. Throughout his message, he would periodically ask questions and have the children answer.
"Children, who walked on water?" The childen responded, "JESUS!"
"Children, who heals our bodies?" "JESUS!"
"Children, who died on the cross?" One of the children yelled out, "JESUS!"
"Children, who rose from the dead on the third day?" "JESUS!"
The Pastor went on with his lesson that morning and finalized his little parable with this question, "Children, what carries nuts in its cheeks and lives up in the trees and is covered with fur?"
Little Johnny, who had been listening intently piped up, "Well, Preacher, I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me !"
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Special delivery to the Vatic...... ?
Sister Catherine is asking all the Northern Irish Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be
when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says:
" Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant "
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Breathless .... or out of spirit ? Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest,
keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the
priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest
handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
"GET THE HELL OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"
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hmmm, better leave that to the weather man ! Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and landed in heaven together. God addressed the first one,
"Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answer a question. What can you tell me about Easter."
The first one looked puzzled for a moment then said, "Oh, I know. That's the holiday in the fall when you pig out on
Turkey and watch football games all day."
"Wrooooong!" said God and the first one disappeared in a puff of smoke.
God turned to the second one and asked him about Easter.
"Isn't that the holiday in December when you get gifts and decorate a dead tree?"
"Wrong!" said God and the second one disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The last one looked nervous as God turned to him.
"What can you tell me about Easter?" God asked.
"Well that's the holiday that occurs in early spring. It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a cross between two criminals and made to wear a crown of thorns. He dies and they bury him in a cave and roll a rock over the entrance to seal it.
On the third day, Jesus is supposed to rise from the dead. So they roll the stone away from the cave entrance
and if Jesus pops his head out it means six more weeks of winter ."
Makes you wonder where the judges go !?
God greeted two newcomers to heaven. One was a preacher, the other was a lawyer. He ushered the
preacher to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously
appointed mansion.
"I don't understand," the lawyer puzzled.
"That man was a preacher, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you've said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion.
Why?"
"Sir," said God, "We've had lots and lots of preachers, here. But you, sir, are our very first LAWYER ."
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