Quaker humour

(Well, if G*d hadn't intended for us to be merry, he wouldn't have given us the WWW. Anyway, here's definately the lighter side of quakerism, that does speak Truth to Power in its own demented way !)

Wonder what Miranda would say to that ?

If a Quaker is arrested, must s/he give up the right to remain silent?

Must the Light in every bulb !?

How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one before the bulb actually burns out. After that, it can't be done because there's no way to hold the topic in the light.

Good thing we aren't talking about soup then !

Elder Silas took Friend Ezra to see his bumper crop of peas. His garden was at the end of a long meadow. A very long meadow.
Occasionally Silas would bend over and pick a stray pea on the path, which showed him he was going the right way.
Finally, Ezra said, "Friend, their must be shorter way to your peas!" To which the Elder replied, "There is no way to peas. Peas is the way."

Run, Luke ... RUN !

Q. How do Friends start a race?
A. Ready…..set…..go when the Spirit moves you!

A new, and quite useless, definition of eternity

 Imagine you have a mountain of pure granite one kilometer high. Every year, come New Years Eve, a small bird will fly up to the mountain top and sharpen its beak on the
granite. When that wee birdy has finally eroded the mountain down to its root, one second of Eternity will have passed ... and Friends in the Meeting for Business will STILL
be debating some minor issue in the Minutes from the previous meeting.

 --------------------------------------- oOo -------------------------------------------------

Seen on a bumper sticker:  

--------------------------------------- oOo -------------------------------------------------

A Blow For the Lord

A Meeting was raising funds for a new meetinghouse, and the clerk was calling on members for pledges. One weighty and affluent but tightfisted Friend rose and said, "I'll subscribe five dollars." Just then a piece of old plaster fell on his head. Half stunned, the weighty Friend mumbled, "I mean f-five hundred dollars."
At that point a voice was raised in prayer from the back of the room: "Oh, Lord, hit him again!"

--------------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Credentials For Quaker Service

One busy Friend was recently heard complaining to another about the tremendous volume of mail he received as a result of serving on Quaker committees. '' It almost seems as though I need a Master's Degree in Library Science just to file it all,'' he said.
The other Friend, who was of a more practical bent, replied, "Actually, all you really need is a Bachelor's Degree in solid waste disposal."


--------------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

A Plain-Dress Punxsutawney Pete?

Normally, Groundhog Day is observed in Second Month, which the world calls February. But the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting newsletter once noted that Friends have their own definition of a Quaker ground Hog:
"Comes out on Labor Day and sees nine months of committee meetings ahead."

--------------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Pointing the Way

Once in the 1850s, an Ohio Friend was returning by train from an abolitionist convention when a group of ministers from Kentucky boarded his car. One of them, noting the Friend's plain garb and guessing his antislavery convictions, began to bait him: "Are you one of those Quakers who wants to free all the niggers?" he demanded. The Friend nodded affirmatively.
"Well, then" badgered the minister, "why do you preach your antislavery doctrines up here in Ohio? Why don't you come try it over in Kentucky?"
The Friend was tired and a bit out of sorts, so he responded with a question of his own: "Is thee a preacher?" he asked.
The other said he was.
"And does thee want to save souls from hell?" the Friend continued.
Yes, the minister allowed that he did.
"Well, then," concluded the Friend wearily, "why doesn't thee go there?"

---------------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

The understatement of the century ?

Overheard in a group of Friends waiting for an elevator: "This elevator runs on Quaker process; It usually gets you to
the right place, but it often takes forever to get there."


(Most of the above w/ thanx to Chuck Fager)

---------------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Solitude or politeness ?

A particular professor was known to have a sour disposition, and one day he barked at his class, "If there are any utter ignoramuses here, please stand up!" After a long silence, one friend in gray slowly stood up. "I see," said the professor, "so you admit to being a total ignoramus, then?" "Um, not exactly, Friend," replied the boy, "but I do hate to see thee standing up there by thyself."


--------------------------------------- oOo ----------------------------

Reach out and call some one, part I

Friend Jones sat down to his breakfast with the day's newspaper. He was shocked when he turned to the obituaries page, to find an announcement of his own demise. He immediately pulled out his cell phone and called the clerk of his Friend's Meeting. "Has thee seen the announcement of my death in the newspaper?" he asked the clerk. "Errr, yes," responded the clerk. Then after an uncomfortable pause he added, "... Um, where exactly is thee calling from?"

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Reach out and call some one, part II

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. At one, he spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.


He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Oregon. Upon entering a Quaker meeting house in Newberg, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the clark. "I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The clark, smiling benignly, replied, "My friend, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in a Quaker meeting house and, of course, it's a local call from here."


----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

It is a Lutheran's first visit to meeting. He asked the Quaker sitting next to him "When does the service begin?" The Quaker answered,

"When the meeting is over, the service begins..."  

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

May the Force .. POWER be with you !

Did you hear about the Quaker who was working at his laptop when the battery ran out ?
He continued writing for another hour or so !
How, I hear thee ask ?  
Simple: he spoke Truth to the Power ... Supply !

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Double Cross, definitely no Crown

Q. What do you get if you cross a Quaker with a Jehovas Witness ?
A.. Some bloke who'll knock on your door ... and then say absolutely nothing for an entire hour !

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

A Shaggy Dog Story ?

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending to ransack, looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, he hears a quiet voice from somewhere:
" I can see you, and so can Jesus !"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No-one seems to be there at all, so he goes back to his business.

" I can see you, and so can Jesus !"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains,
sat an old man with a funny round hat meditating in near-complete silence.
" I can see you, and so can Jesus !"
"So what", says the burglar, "You're just an old geezer ... what could you possibly do to me !!?"
To which the old man replies

"Maybe me' laddie', but I owe it to thee to tell thee that Jesus also happens to be the name of my Rottweiler !"

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Something fishy going on here ...

In a small town in the middle of nowhere, they had three different religious congregations, an episcopalian, a baptist and a quaker meeting. The quaker and the two ministers were on quite good terms and had known each other for decades. Each monday they always went fishing on the nearby lake.
The Baptist minister were beginning to "feels the years" and decided to retire.
A younger man was ordained as a new minister. The two others decided to bid him welcome and offered to take him along on their weekly fishing trips. Being the
"new kid in town" the young minister was all to happy to accept.
One particular monday they had been rowing for ten minutes and were by now half a mile from the shore when the old quaker suddenly exclaimed: "oops, forgot the lunch basket", stepped out of the boat and walked all the way to the shore. The young baptist' eyes popped out ! The episcopalian immediately woke up and exclaimed: "oops, come to think of it ... forgot bait !", stepped out of the boat and walked back towards the shore.
The poor baptist was now close to cataleptic shock. "But I'm as deeply religious as they are", he thought and tentatively stepped out the the boat and tried to walk on the surface.
SPLASH !!! (bubble, bubble, bu.......)
Surprised, he dragged himself out of the water, into the boat and had another go ...
SPLASH !!!!!!
The two other friends have now returned to the boat, and managed to drag the waterlogged baptist out of his predicament.
The episcopalian said to the quaker: "I say, old chap, maybe we should have told him about the stones !"
To which the astonished quaker asked: " Stones ? What stones ??"
( hmm , wonder if they teach courses in water-walking at Woodbrooke ! Oh well,... could be fun, thou' ... )
----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

QUAKER OATS THREATENS TO SUE QUAKER OAKS CHRISTMAS TREE FARM  

(a true story)

Dear Mr. William Lovett,

I am the attorney at the Quaker Oats Company responsible for trademark matters. As you probably know, our company manufactures numerous food products, the most famous of which is oatmeal. In addition to having used the Quaker Oats name as our company name for close to 100 years, we have registered the Quaker name as a trademark.

It was therefore quite a surprise to discover that you are operating a business under the name "Quaker Oats Christmas Tree Farm." Your use of our trademark is likely to mislead consumers into believing that your business is associated with the Quaker Oats Company. It is also likely to weaken our very strong trademark. In light of the foregoing, we hereby demand that you immediately stop all use of the "Quaker Oats" name. While we would like to settle this matter amicably, we will take all steps which are necessary and appropriate to protect our name.
Sincerely, Janet L. Silverberg, counsel.

And the reply came promptly, with all the irony that only a quaker can muster...

Dear Janet Silverberg,

My breakfast this morning, rolled oats by the way, was interrupted by the arrival of your letter via FedEx, which was delivered to us despite the fact that you have misspelled our company name which is Quaker OAKS Christmas Tree Farm. Our farm was so named because religious services were held outdoors on this farm under a great oak tree until about ten years ago when we were able to move into our new Meetinghouse on another corner of our farm.

Our business is 100% owned and operated by Quakers. I suspect that your firm employs considerably fewer, if any, Quakers. We trace our Quaker ancestors back 320 years and they were mostly farmers, but I don't know how many of them grew oats for your company. My guess is that you may be selling far more Lutheran oats, Methodist oats, or maybe atheist oats. Could your company be guilty of product source misrepresentation?

We don't know why you choose to associate your commercial products with our faith, but we supposed you feel there is some marketing value from it. If you were selling machine guns, roulette wheels or some other product offensive to our Quaker faith, we would be upset by the association, but since we find your products wholesome and enjoyable, we consider your use of our name a compliment. We invite you to visit our farm to verify that we are indeed Quaker Oaks Christmas Tree Farm. If you come in December, we'd be happy to sell you a tree!  

Sincerely, William Lovett, Visalia, California.


----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

The extremely un-official guide to quakereeze !

When I first came to work for AFSC, someone in Personnel (or perhaps Information Services) gave me a list of common phrases and their translation into plain language. This was back in the mid-1960's and it was old then. Lest it be lost forever, I thought I would share it with you all (and perhaps bring back fond memories for others).

"(Quakerism, particularly in its corporate expressions such as AFSC, has developed its own peculiar patois. In an effort to help orientate new staff, the following translations of commonly used phrases are offered.)

I have a concern.
(I understand this subject better than anyone here .)

Thee has a concern.
(Thee's stubborn isn't thee?)

He (she) has a concern.
(He (She) gets hold of an idea and just won't let up on it.)

Although I dislike being divisive, I cannot in conscience agree that this work should go forward in the manner proposed.
(Over my dead body!)

While we respect our friend's right to dissent, we hope he will feel able to unite himself with the group in this decision.
(O.K., buddy. Over your dead body!)

The name of that Friend would not have occurred to me.
(Good God! Not HIM!)

We forward the name of this friend with a strong recommendation that he be appointed immediately.
(We couldn't get anyone else; grab him quick before he changes his mind.)

Although budgetary exigencies indicate drastic cuts in the program, staff should not be alarmed.
(Somebody's going to get his throat cut, but nobody is to panic.)

While we appreciate your kind offer, we cannot think of any ways in which you could assist us in your forthcoming travels.
(Good-bye, good luck, and keep your nose out of our business along the way.)

I have certain hesitations.
(This always means NO!)

Staff are encouraged to be present.
(You better be there... or else.)

It has occurred to me while we have been discussing this...
(Stand back everybody...I've been thinking about this for weeks and I'm about to give you all the word on it.)

After a widely ranging discussion, the group was unable to reach consensus.
(It was a real knock-down, drag-out fight.)

We feel at this time that it would be appropriate for you to consider channels of service other than AFSC for your particular abilities.
(Your termination notice will be along next week.)

Courtesy : Shamelessly borrowed from Maria Pappalardo of Chestnut Hill Meeting  


----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Quaking in Your Boots

A Quaker was hauling a load of hay down the road to the barn. He had settled his hay wagon into a good set of ruts that would serve quite well until he got to his barnyard gate.  
The road ran between his property and the next farm, and as bad luck would have it when he rounded the bend, he saw that his Presbyterian neighbor was also driving a loaded hay wagon toward him, settled into the exact same set of convenient ruts.
Both men halted their horses, and sat under the hot July sun considering what to do. Someone was going to have to get down and help the horses pull a wagon of the ruts and go around the other.  
Finally the Quaker stood up on the box and waved his hat and shouted,
"If thee chooses not to pull out, I will do for thee what I did for the other fellow back there..."
The Presbyterian considered. "I never heard a Quaker talk like that before," he mused. "Maybe I had better pull out." So the man got down and with much sweating and swearing he helped his horses haul his wagon out of the ruts.
As he was pulling even with the Quaker, his curiosity overcame him.  
"I've got to know," he said, "what was it you did to the other fellow?"
The Quaker looked puzzled and said, "Oh, of course, I pulled out for him!"  


----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

The Quaker and the Mule

A Quaker farmer had a mule that would not plow straight. It would go off to the right and munch a bunch of weeds, or veer off to the left to lean on the fence, and the furrows showed it.  
His Baptist neighbor would pass by on the road and laugh and allow as how he knew what would straighten out those rows,
"two-by-four upside the head, that'll straighten the mule out, and the rows will take care of themselves."  
"No, said the Quaker,"in so far as it depends upon me, I must be at peace with all God's creatures, provoking though they may be." The Baptist went along home, shaking his head and muttering, "a two-by-four would do it."
The furrows got more crooked every day, and finally the Quaker dropped the reins, and went around to the front of the mule, looked him in the eye and said,  
"Friend I think that thee is taking advantage of me because thee knows that I am a Quaker, and therefore I cannot and will not beat thee. What thee has not considered is that I can sell thee to the Baptist....!"
From that day on, the mule plowed the straightest rows in the county...


----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Everyone is 'wrestling' with their own little problems !

One World War II Quaker conscientious objector had been a professional wrestler. Once when he and some other inmates
of the Coshocton CPS camp in Ohio made a trip into town, they were hassled about their pacifism by some local youths,
who insisted that only force could change the German's views.  
In response, the ex-wrestler took off his coat, challenged one of the local boys to a match, and promptly threw the
townie across the room. He then asked the youth,  
"Now do you believe that force won't change people's views?"
"Heck no!" the local boy hollered back.

"That's exactly my point," said the Quaker, who put on his coat and left.

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

Kvækernes plads i Himlen (danish)

En gammel kvæker døde og røg til sin overraskelse direkte i himlen. Da han ankom spurgte Sankt Peter om han havde lyst til at se alle de "villaer" som folk fra de forskellige tros-retninger boede i. Da Kvækeren var ret nysgerrig, så Sankt Peter tog ham med til en stor sal fyldt med mennesker.
"Hvem er dog alle de mennesker?" spurgte Kvækeren
"Det er alle Baptisterne," svarede St Peter.
"Jeg er imponeret," sagde Kvækeren, "Jeg var slet ikke klar over hvor mange gode Baptister der egentligt var !"
Så tog St. Peter ham med over i en endnu større sal med endnu flere mennesker.
"Og hvem er så disse?" spurge vore Ven.
"Det er Katolikkerne," svarede St Peter.
"Det var godt nok endnu mere imponerende," udbrød Kvækeren.
"Kunne du tænke dig at se hvor Kvækerne holder til?" spurgte St Peter.
Da Kvækeren svarede bekræftende, tog St. Peter ham med over i en gigantisk sal, større end alle de andre tilsammen, og med et sandt mylder af mennesker.
"Tak skal I ellers ha'" udbrød Kvækeren bestyrtet. "Jeg troede slet ikke at vi var SÅ mange !!!!"
"Hmmm, jah..." svarede St. Peter, "Denne sal er faktisk forbeholdt alle dem, der ikke har den ringeste anelse om hvad de egentligt tror på !"
----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

A couple o' classics

Quakers do it in silence
Ministering Quakers do it standing up !
Traveling Ministers do it everywhere
(oops... them do not really belong here, me thinks ! :-)

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

A True Story About a Quaker Unisex Bathroom   

In order to apply the "Equality Testimony," a Yearly Meeting decided to implement unisex bathrooms. On the first day, an 80-year-old Quaker lady was leaving the shower when a man walked into the bathroom. The story began circulating around Yearly Meeting, and finally a friend of the Quaker lady saw her and said, "I heard that you had an encounter with a man in the bathroom this morning."
The Quaker lady replied with great dignity: "It was not as exciting as you might imagine."  

----------------------------------- oOo ---------------------------

How many Quakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many Quakers does it take to change a lightbulb? That depends. If the lightbulb is in the meetinghouse,
then it takes the whole meeting, and 3-9 months.

First, property committee has to notify clerk that a lightbulb is burned out. It will then be put on the agenda for the next monthly meeting for business. When it comes up on the agenda, clerk will ask how Friends respond to the notice from property committee. Then, clerk of property committee will be asked for that committee's recommendation regarding the burned out bulb, and we will learn that property committee was merely notifying meeting of the state of the bulb, and it did not reach the point of trying to make a recommendation. The matter will then be referred back to property committee to come up with a recommendation regarding the bulb, and the matter will be put on the agenda for the next monthly meeting for business, four weeks later.

At the next monthly meeting, property committee will report that it needs more time to make a recommendation because it has asked for consultation from other committees, and it has not yet received reports from these other committees. The Peace and Social Order committee is reporting back regarding the relationship between the utility company and the armaments industry and the Pentagon, and looking for a manufacturer of lightbulbs that does not have such ties. Unity With Nature Committee is reporting in the effects of the use of electricity on the environment, and whether the old light bulb is biodegradable, and, if not, is there any way to get rid of it that comports with our commitment to the environment. The Committee on Right Sharing of the World's Resources has reported back that any additional use of lightbulbs by meeting flies in the face of our testimony of simplicity, and recommends that the burned out bulb be left in place as a reminder of all who must live without the benefit of electrical power. The matter is then put over to the next meeting for business.

At the next meeting for business, all committees report and there is no unity on a recommendation to change or not to change the lightbulb. Clerk schedules a threshing to take place in the interim before the next meeting for business, at which time it will be on the agenda again.

At the next meeting for business, Clerk discerns a sense of the meeting among Friends and attenders that meeting should do the following:

1. Remove the burned out bulb from the socket, but not disposed of. It shall be kept on the mantle above the fireplace.

2. A new bulb, provided one need not be purchased, shall be placed into the socket, but not screwed in all the way so as not to use additional current. The decision as to when to screw the bulb in all the way is referred back to property committee which will makes its recommendation, after input from all the other committees previously involved, at a future meeting for business.

3. If a new lightbulb needs to be purchased, the matter will be referred to the finance committee to review and make a recommendation.

After a period of silence, an old, well respected Quaker scholar and weighty Friend rises to quote from George Fox, stating that, "It is not in thy power to change it. Thy task is to bring it to Christ and leave it there." In view of this, weighty Friend must stand in the way. After another, even longer period of silence, another Friend rises to make the point that our willingness to proceed requires respect for Fox's writings, but must be tempered by the light received by meeting today. More silence. Clerk discerns that there is no sense of the meeting to proceed at this time, and offers to lay the matter over for the next meeting for business. Weighty Friend suggests that since so many of us did not grow up as Quakers, we might schedule an adult education series on the writings of George Fox on the inward Light, thereby preparing meeting for its future possible consideration of when the new light bulb should be screwed into the socket. There is clearly strong unity on the Fox series, and Clerk receives volunteers to arrange and schedule it. Weighty Friend then agrees to stand aside. Meeting Clerk then reads back the three points on which there had been unity, and asks for a period of silence. The matter is minuted. Then another Friend suggests that the matter be put over until the next monthly meeting since it is our custom to put over all action items for a month for seasoning. Friends agree, and the matter is put over to be reconsidered after seasoning.

Before the next monthly meeting, old weighty Friend becomes ill and at the time of monthly meeting for business, is still in the hospital. Meeting agrees not to act on the lightbulb matter until weighty Friend recovers, since the matter was so close to his heart. The matter is put over to next meeting for business, at which time, though weighty Friend is still in the hospital, he has sent a message that he is still willing to stand aside so long as the Fox education series goes on. Clerk re-reads the three points on which meeting reached unity, and there is a loud "Agreed".

And in the mean time, three more light bulbs will have burnt out.

(Thanx to Chesthill M.M, Philadelphia)