...and please keep both feet on the ground, OK ?
other night I lay in bed thinking about God, and as I looked up at
the stars I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"
Thomas Aquinas would have flipped his lid...
And Jesus said unto his
disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"
And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master,
thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation
of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute,
divine, sacerdotal monarch."
And Jesus said, "What?"
A gun-point conversion ?
An elderly woman had
just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when
she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled,
"Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
The crowd had cornered
a woman and was preparing to stone her.
Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim.
Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"
Af børn og fulde folk...
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
De skeptikere er da også så ..... skeptiske ...
man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he
stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In
desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree
hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"It's the Lord."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Just let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
When seekers go bad...
day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few
minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.
The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk said yes.
The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said no.
The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again said no.
The preacher dipped him, and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"
Med livrem og seler...
priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
Be careful what you wish for...
En mand og Gud snakkede sammen. Manden: Gud, hvor lang tid er 15 millioner år for dig ? Gud: Det er som 2 sekunder for dig. Manden: Gud, hvor meget er 15 millioner for dig ? Gud: Det er ca. det samme som 2 kr. for dig. Manden: Hvis 15 millioner er så lidt for dig, kunne du så ikke give mig 15 millioner ? Gud: Jo selvfølgelig, lige 2 sekunder....
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, "yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good". Well, he thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel, to get another point of view."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him "yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good".
God said this was not good.... not good at all !!!!
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, to give them a little something to help them keep going.
* Do you know what that E-mail said ?
* You didn't get one either, huh?
A lesson learned
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son.
"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!
When fundamentalists get too ... well, fundamental !
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Hvorfor Gud aldrig har fået fastansættelse på en højere læreanstalt.
1. Han har kun udgivet eet større skrift
2. Første del er på hebraisk, og anden del på græsk
3. Der er ingen fodnoter eller litteraturhenvisninger
4. Det er ikke udgivet i en anerkendt tidsskrift
5. Der er rejst tvivl om, hvorvidt han selv er forfatteren til skriftet
6. Ganske vist har han skabt verden, men hvad har han egentlig udrettet siden da?
7. Hans samarbejdsvilje har været begrænset
8. Videnskaben har haft vanskeligt ved at gentage hans eksperimenter og nå til samme resultater
Han har aldrig fået Etisk Råds tilladelse til at bruge
mennesker som forsøgspersoner
10. Da et af hans eksperimenter mislykkedes, prøvede han at dække over det ved at drukne forsøgspersonerne
(så man kan virkelig sige, at eksperimentet gik i vasken)
11. Når forsøgspersonerne ikke opførte sig som han ville have det, udslettede han dem
12. I stedet for at holde forelæsninger sagde han, at de studerende bare selv kunne læse bogen
13. Det siges at han overlod undervisningen til sin søn
14. Han bortviste de to første studerende, fordi de ville lære for meget
15. Han stillede kun 10 opgaver, men af for stor sværhedsgrad, da hovedparten af de studerende dumper
16. Hans træffetid er for uforudsigelig, og oftest henlagt til en bjergtinde
17. Der er store samarbejdsvanskeligheder med kollegerne
Heaven Gone Hi-Tech
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if G-d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing something like this:
"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for giving thanks.
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for other inquiries."
What if G-d used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call G-d?
"If you would like to speak to:
... Gabriel, press 1.
... Michael, press 2.
... For a directory of other Angels, press 3.
... If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you hold, press 4.
... To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5.
Enter her or his Social Security number, then press the # key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666.
... For reservations to My Father's House, enter JOHN followed by 3:16.
... For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive in Heaven.
... Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact you local pastor."
Kunne eventuelt forklare en del ...
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat..... well, Cat just didn't give a d... one way or the other.
Her gælder det om at have pæren i orden !?
Hvor mange _________ skal der til at skifte en pære ?
karismatikerne? Kun én - han/hun render jo altid rundt med hænderne i vejret alligevel !
Presbyterianere? Ingen. Gud har forudbestemt hvornår lyset skal være tændt og slukket !
Pinsebevægelsen? 10 ! én til at skifte pæren, og ni til at bede for beskyttelse imod Mørkets Ånder(c)
Katolikker(1)? Ingen... de bruger alligevel altid stearin-lys !
Katolikkerne(2): Mindst to Vatikan Konciler, og een eller flere succesive paver, samt en generation hvor skiftende landsby-præster kan vænne sig til at læse messen i lyset fra et stearin-lys
Russisk Ortodokse? Ti ! én til at skifte pæren, og ni til at sidde tilbage og erindre hvor meget de holdt af den gamle pære.
Unitarerne? Vi vælger ikke at fremkomme med en udtalelse for eller imod et pære-skift. Hvis hver af jer i jeres personlige rejse er kommet frem til at en pære fungerer for jer, jamen så er der da OK. Du inviteres til at skrive et digt eller lave en moderne dans om dit personlige forhold til el-pærer, og så præsentere dit bidrag ved næste El-pære Søndags Samling, hvor vi vil udforske forskellige traditioner indenfor pærer-skift, herunder fosforiserende, euforiserende, langtids-holdbare, spare-pærer og i det hele taget alle de forskellige veje til oplysning !
Amerikanske fundamentalister? Ingen... der er ikke noget bevis i Bibelen for at pærer blev brugt eller skiftet på Jesu tid !
Kvækerne? Ingen... de benytter sig blot af det Indre Lys, så hvorfor bruge tid på en pære !?
Kvækerne (det Danske Årsmøde) ? Pærer !?!? DET har vi vist i øjeblikket ikke råd til !!!!!
Kvækerne (konservative) :
Lutheranere? Det er et åbent spørgsmål. Men vi har fra sædvanligvis pålidelig kilde, at der er nedsat en kommite for at studere problemet. De vil vende tilbage med et input ved næste møde.
TV-prædikanter? Een. Men for at det gode budskab skal fortsætte med at lyde over land, send jeres bidrag NU !
Tre hundrede. Tolv til at sidde i bestyrelsen, der udpeger
der udpeger Hus-Komiteen. Otte til at sidde i Hus-Komiteen, som udpeger en Pære-Udskiftnings-Komite, der bestemmer hvem der skal skifte pæren. De fire valgte kommer så med deres egne meninger om "pære skifte metoden", som én rent faktisk udfører i praksis. Efter det faktiske skift tager det eet hundrede individer til at brokke sig over den valgte metode og andre 177 for at debattere den mulige økologiske skadespåvirkning ved overhovedet at benytte sig af pærer og ikke olie-lamper.
Amish? Hvad er en pære ???? nåårh... OK jo - altså, man fodrer hesten med hø, og så .........
Den danske folkekirke? Ingen.... der kommer jo alligevel aldrig nogen i kirken, så hvorfor skulle de bruge tid på at skifte pærerne ud !????
Scientology? Pæren var åbenbart så fuld af engrammer at den ikke mere reagerede på E-Meteret, men hvis den vil betalt 20.000 har vi et godt kursus, der vil gøre den klar igen !
Og her troede man at cyklisterne var slemme !?
a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded
a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God.
"I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, " God explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
Webmasteren er her helt enig
were three atheists who died and before God would let them into
heaven, God gave them a chance
to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them,
make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a Quaker !
... sed movens !
buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a
huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say `LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Forest Gump når nye højder
The day has finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the gates of heaven by the gatekeeper.
gatekeeper says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into heaven."
responds, "It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward to
this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
gatekeeper goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have
has only three questions. Here is the first:
What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to the gatekeeper to try to answer the exam questions.
The gatekeeper waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with
the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's
not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I
guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, the gatekeeper says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts the gatekeeper. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks the gatekeeper. "What makes you think it's Howard?"
answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks the gatekeeper, "What prayer?"
"You know, the Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
og så vil man skære ned i skolernes stave-undervisning ????
priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can
enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pore
over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Om vigtigheden af at lytte og ikke kun lade munden løbe !
Once a preacher was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden there was a cloud burst. After about one full hour of complete non-stop rain, everyone began to evacuate because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there preaching in the ankle-deep water.
A man drives by in a car and shouts through the church doors, "Preacher, you better get out of there before you drown!" The preacher replied, "Don't worry. God will save me."
man then drove away.
The water was now knee-deep and a man in a raft floated over to the church and said to the preacher, "You better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the second warning the preacher just stood there and replied, "Don't worry. God will save me."
The man then rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man in a power boat came to the preacher and said, "You better get out of there before you drown!"
the third warning the preacher just stood there and replied "Don't
worry. God will save me."
With that the man jetted away.
The water was now neck-deep and a man in a helicopter came by and yelled to the preacher, "You better get out of there before you drown!"
The preacher refused to move and replied "Don't worry. God will save me."
With that the man flew away.
The water then got so deep that the preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.
He then saw God and asked "Oh God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?"
God then replied, "I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?"
day five blind men decided to find out what an elephant "looked"
Led to one, each man grabbed hold of whatever section of the animal he could, certain that
what he had grabbed the whole of the elephant itself.
one holding onto the trunk thought for certain that the elephant must
indeed be the shape of a wiggly
snake and said so, but the one who had found an ear countered, insisting that the elephant's size was that of
a palm leaf. With a firm grip on one of the elephant's legs, the third announced that the animal was actually
like a tree trunk. "No," stated another, while patting the elephant's side, "this beast is truly the size of a wall."
the fifth, being the loudest and most impatient of the group, clasped
the animal's tail and yelled,
"Oh, my brothers, you are not only blind but crazy, for the elephant is the shape of a rope".
(ancient Hindu parable illustrating humanity's many attempts to define God)